Levitas

[Hoosiernorm]

[Colonel Sun]

Careful ladies,



[1951]

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

[Sparky]

from the Joan of Arc lingerie collection. Try our chain mail thongs - no more expensive waxing!

[noddy]

Uploaded with

[Sennacherib]

[Tinker]

[Azrael]

[Colonel Sun]

Panache.

[Yukon Cornelius]

In the home office this morning, listening to my 10 year-old son eating breakfast upstairs. Normal noise, cereal bowls and spoons clanking.


Out of nowhere -- with emphasis -- he does a full recitation of Howard Dean's, "Dean Scream" speech.

[ansuchin]

How to learn the English alphabet.

[Colonel Sun]

[~]

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It's a hardware problem.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You don't know! You weren't fucking there!!!!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”


How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
Only two, but how did they get IN there?

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"No. It's fine we'll just sit here in the dark, thank you."

How many spoken word artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, I didn't stay for the whole thing.

How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two - one to screw it in and one to hold the penis... LADDER.. I mean LADDER.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
NAME
lightbulb - Convert electrons to photons

SYNOPSIS
lightbulb [-wattage number]

DESCRIPTION
lightbulb reads a stream of electrons from standard input and
produces photons on standard output.
Thus

lightbulb <110_volts_ac >light

The following options apply to lightbulb:

-wattage Sets the rate at which electrons are converted
to photons.

FILES
None

SEE ALSO
xmas_tree_lights(1), streetlamp(1), led(2)

KNOWN BUGS
lightbulb is known to fail unexpectedly after some unknown
number of applications. Repeated complaints to the authors
of lightbulb have failed to come up with a fix for this
bug. The only known workaround for a crashed lightbulb is
re-installation from a fresh copy of the source media.

NOTES
I believe M$ Windows is based on lighbulb because they
share the same bug - and the same workaround.
It is important to ensure that the input stream is correctly
formatted or the lightbulb may crash unexpectedly and with
undefined results.
Do not attempt to apply lightbulb's input files to other
UNIX tools (esp. 'finger(1)'), however, lightbulb's output
stream is fairly compatible with most other devices.

INSTALLATION
Consult a hardware engineer.

PREREQUISITES
Your operating system must support sockets and switches.


How many historians does it take to change a light bulb?
There is a great deal of debate on this issue. Up until the mid-20th century, the accepted answer was ‘one’: and this Whiggish narrative underpinned a number of works that celebrated electrification and the march of progress in light-bulb changing. Beginning in the 1960s, however, social historians increasingly rejected the ‘Great Man’ school and produced revisionist narratives that stressed the contributions of research assistants and custodial staff. This new consensus was challenged, in turn, by women’s historians, who criticized the social interpretation for marginalizing women, and who argued that light bulbs are actually changed by department secretaries. Since the 1980s, however, postmodernist scholars have deconstructed what they characterize as a repressive hegemonic discourse of light-bulb changing, with its implicit binary opposition between ‘light’ and ‘darkness,’ and its phallogocentric privileging of the bulb over the socket, which they see as colonialist, sexist, and racist. Finally, a new generation of neo-conservative historians have concluded that the light never needed changing in the first place, and have praised political leaders like Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher for bringing back the old bulb. Clearly, much additional research remains to be done.


How many Firefly fans does it take to change a light bulb?
They wouldn't. They'd rather spend a decade bitching about how it went out.

How many dubstep fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20: 1 to screw it in and 19 waiting for the drop.

How many Irish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fuck it who cares, we'll drink in the dark.


...

[Azrael]

Time to get revenge on the dog for laughing at you when you missed. He is quick so you have to have good reflexes.

[Colonel Sun]

[Originally posted in the Sport thread but I thought it deserves wider viewing]

[Hans Bulvai]

Saw this in the bathroom at Lowes over the weekend.
T'was written on the baby changing table with a downward arrow...

"You should have used a condom.
Evidence below."

The response next to it...

"Not everyone is a mistake like you"

[Colonel Sun]

[noddy]

http://whitewhine.com/

gold.

[Colonel Sun]

[Colonel Sun]

Respect.

[Colonel Sun]

Tip of the hat to Locke who initially posted the inane CNN interviewer: Nancy Grace



I don't think that there are enough faces in Japan to do a proper collective facepalm.

It appears that her own staff can't stand her:

[Colonel Sun]

[Colonel Sun]

Joe Pine (60's talk show host who sported a wooden leg) interviewing Frank Zappa:

"So, with your long hair, I guess that makes you a woman."

Frank Zappa's response:

"So with your wooden leg, I guess that makes you a table."

[Colonel Sun]

[Colonel Sun]

Good voices.

[Colonel Sun]