by Demon of Undoing » Thu Mar 03, 2011 3:38 am
It's all much easier without a conscience.
I ran out of things I could smash where I could convince myself that doing so was actually the right thing to do. Cops don't really get to be what I'm talking about , and soldiers in the modern world tend to do it for the direct benefit of the worst bastards in the nation. The best I have available is waiting like an open grave. But that's not the goal. I don't want to be a goalie any more. I don't want to feel like beating the mandible off of people that deserve it. Given a bit to think it over , I generally feel sorry for them on some level almost regardless of offense. Eventually.
It's those thirty minute periods , when my adrenaline is up to the point of dry mouth and the hate is bringing up bile and blood , that I'd like to avoid. Back in the day, a constant immersion in select green ( and I mean from wake up to lay down twenty hours later) was the only thing I found that would tamp all that down and still allowed me to function.
Incidentally , as I used to tell anybody that questioned whether such a thing made me loopy , soft, waterheaded, etc ; I may not be as good high as I am sober , but high , I'm still probably better than average. And actually , that's not even correct. Talk about Afghanis high on hash ? The most ass I ever kicked , the best I ever shot ( provably and reproducibly , on a range) , was when higher than a motherfucker. I've chased people at 100 mph five minutes after a joint and came out smelling like a rose. Fought amateur MMA literally hitting a pipe between rounds. fastest time ever on a three mile run ? Like Cheech after a Dead concert.
I'm not saying it had no ill effects at all back then , but the same guy that said I smoked more shit than anybody that he'd ever seen and still hold down a job also called me the Ganja Superman after I picked a couch up off the roof of his car and carried it a quarter mile back into the woods ( Rainbow gathering , long story). If it was bad for me , it wasn't too frickin' bad.
Don't know what it is, but I'm agin'it.