Funny stuff

[AzariLoveIran]

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In these days of all going downhill, let's have laughing session . . .


Chinese Doctor


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..


Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!



AND....



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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[storyteller]

[AzariLoveIran]

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Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says :

" I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months. "



Rod continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says :

" You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find. "



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[Tinker]

Hahaha that's pretty good.

[AzariLoveIran]

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A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles!. I hate needles', the patient said.

The dentist then starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't' said the dentist, ' but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'



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[AzariLoveIran]

For those born 1920-1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!


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[AzariLoveIran]

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One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could ! please speak to the First Lady in private.

They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you.

She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said,


"so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant", to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be President".




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[noddy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ktjKDwIfTc

on the australian government tv station, the day before the election - enough to make me smile about my country again.

warning, its juvenile.

[AzariLoveIran]

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sexual caloriecounter.jpg (184.86 KiB) Viewed 2387 times

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[AzariLoveIran]

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Exit Iraq into Afghanistan.jpg (29.65 KiB) Viewed 2374 times

Elvis Jackson ME peace process.jpg (41.83 KiB) Viewed 2374 times

2B frank, very frank, looks 2me, the smarties looking to solve western economic implosion by a WAR . . . .



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[AzariLoveIran]

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I think aim of life is spiritual growth within the limits of physical existence, what do you think?



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[AzariLoveIran]

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[Nonc Hilaire]

Azari - this stuff is good! I never knew A-mad-man-in-plaid had so many funny jokes!

Or did Rumi write these?

[Colonel Sun]

[AzariLoveIran]

[Hans Bulvai]

An Arab family decides to put grandpa in the old folk home.

A few weeks later they go to visit.

"Grandpa", says the oldest, "how are you liking this place?"

"This place is amazing" Grandpa replies. "Everyone is so respectful".

"What do you mean grandpa?"

"Well", came the reply, "Do you see that man over there? He used to be a Doctor and although he has not practiced in 10 years, people still call him Dr."

"And do yo see that man over there? Used to be a pilot 15 years ago and people still call him captain".

"And do you see that old man there? USed to be a judge 20 years ago, and although he has not been on the bench for as long, people still call him Judge".

"That's great grandpa!"

"I know. The best part is I have not had sex in 25 years and people still call me a fucking arab!"

[AzariLoveIran]

[Hans Bulvai]

[AzariLoveIran]

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1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as :

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared :

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship ?

A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

[AzariLoveIran]

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”...

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.


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[AzariLoveIran]

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.. people mistake sex with aerobic ..




Nice & comprehensive archive .. unusual ..




"Bond Girls", are essentially 007's own private harem.









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[AzariLoveIran]

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[AzariLoveIran]

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[AzariLoveIran]

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Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

At the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end..............

You'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.....


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[AzariLoveIran]

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A Jewish woman says to her mother : 'I'm divorcing him .. All he wants is anal
sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent ! It used to be the size of
a 5 cent !

Mother says : 'Vait a Minute...You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman ... you live in an 8 bedroom mansion ...You drive a Ferrari, ...you get $2000 week allowance...You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents !!!


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